You Are Tougher Than You Think

I’m not going to sit here and preach to you about how you should always stick to your diet plan and eat everything the doctor tells you to eat. I think the diets given to us are unrealistic. I can honestly and shamelessly say that I have never stuck to a diet 100% and not always because I didn’t want to, but because its hard to live a semi-normal life while only being able to eat certain things. There was this one time I was put on a low-fat diet because I had a feeding tube. Yes it makes sense, but I like fatty foods. The day I got my first feeding tube the child life specialist told me I should I have one last fatty thing being starting my diet. Of course being at Georgetown Hospital all I wanted was a cupcake from Georgetown Cupcake. The lovely ladies of Georgetown Cupcake sent over a box of delicious cupcakes just for me. So I picked out the one I wanted, a chocolate cupcake with a gooey inside and cream cheese icing. I take my first bite and my doctor rushes into my hospital ...

This disease taught me that life is too short to care about everyone else all the time. I struggled with this a lot, I still do. I want everyone else to be okay then I worry about myself and that’s not how it should work. You always need to come first; everyone else can take care of themselves. When I was sick I would always worry about how everyone else would handle the news, and how everyone else was dealing with it. Looking back now, that makes absolutely no sense at all. That is probably the number one reason I was so mentally messed up when I was really sick, because I was too busy dealing with everyone else’s emotions (even when they had nothing to do with my battle) to deal with my own. I’m not saying become totally selfish because that’s not good either. I’m saying that you can’t lose touch with yourself trying to take care of everyone else. You might want to, but no matter how hard you try you won’t be able to and that’ll end up hurting you more and more as time goes on. ...

This sounds so easy, but is one of the most difficult things to actually do. There are two different ways to look at this: your friends and relationships. When it comes to friends, you’ll find those few that will go to the ends of the earth for you. I remember this one time I had to rush from one of my college night classes to the local emergency room because I was in so much pain. I told two of my best friends what was happening but continued to promise them that my parents were on their way, that I would be okay, and I would call them in the morning. They obviously didn’t like that answer because about 15 minutes after my parents arrival, storming through the emergency room doors were my two best friends. I got transported to my normal hospital for overnight observations soon after, and they followed. They stayed until 1 a.m. just to make sure I was okay. Now for relationships. I’ve done my fair share of dating through the years. While a lot of the guys I let in didn’t end well,...

It’s very easy to get stuck in the negatives during this time. The one thing that made sure I didn’t lose sight of the positive was the one thing I loved the most, lacrosse. It was the one thing that made the fight totally worth it. It didn’t matter if it was watching, playing, or coaching because I was still around it. I was raised on a lacrosse field and I’m not over exaggerating. I started practicing with my older brother’s lacrosse team when I was 3-years-old. When I started getting really sick I thought my whole future in lacrosse was over. I was willing to do whatever it took to play, even if it meant that I had to buy special pads to protect a feeding tube, or figuring out my timing while playing on pain medicines (probably not the best idea). It was the one thing I could count on to make me happy. It was the one constant positive every day. Some of my favorite memories while hospitalized were taking long “walks” when in reality I snuck off to the lacrosse field to watch th...

There was one point before my transplant that there were so many unanswered questions. I was constantly sick; on more pain medicines than you could probably imagine, but my doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong or what to do to make me feel better. It was then that we had decided to look into a transplant that could change my life. Unfortunately, the transplant team didn’t see me as the right match at the time. No one ever knew at the time but I constantly questioned how I was going to be able to face the next day. The reason no one knew was because I thought everyone expected me to constantly be strong. I didn’t think it was okay to break down and cry because that would make me weak. My doctor would always ask me why I wouldn’t cry. My answer would simply be, “I’m fine.” Honestly, I wasn’t. I couldn’t look past the next day. I was actually miserable. Finally one day I broke, I just couldn’t handle it anymore. It started with crying because I was scared, moved to anger be...

Body image is something that is already an issue with all girls. Unfortunately, with the card we were dealt there is much more negatives that we see with our bodies. It may be scars, PICC lines, central lines, feeding tubes, stomas, even colostomy bags. These things aren’t easy to hide, and yes they are very embarrassing. There’s one quote that got me through every surgery, every procedure, everything. “Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever,” from the movie “The Replacements.” I know it’s cheesy, but it’s true. The pain will go away. Somewhere down the line, you’ll learn to love your scars. They become a part of you and you see it as a badge of honor in a way. They’re a symbol of just how strong you are. People will respect your scars because they’re proof your fight. But the pride and the glory you will hold for fighting and pushing through, that’s what is important. I may make it sound really easy, its not and I understand that. I’ve been f...