Buckle Up and Lets Go for a Ride

There are a handful of things I've been keeping from you. First thing is...I started this blog as a college assignment. Wild right? A class assignment was to start a blog and talk about something you were a "professional" at. Well, I'm really good at being sick. So why not talk about everything in a format like this. It was temporary. So why not bare some of the deepest parts of myself. If anything, it would get me a stellar grade. Well, it did get me that grade, but that wasn’t enough for me. I have a story and I might as well use it for good. The day I decided to continue this blog is the day I promised to myself, and you, that I would continue to put it all out there.

Problem is…I keep things from you. I make this blog look like I have it together. I get handed a bad hand but I’m a fighter. I’ll be fine. Blah blah blah. If I was being completely honest, I was holding it together for a while. Until about a month ago. I really thought diabetes was going to be enough for me to deal with this year. Silly me. When it rains it pours.

A month ago, I had a procedure. A surgery really. I don’t like calling it a surgery because it sounds SO BIG. I mean, it was. But it sounds dramatic. When this procedure, or surgery, took place we learned it was going to just be the first of a longgg road. I learned that I don’t have Ulcerative Colitis (which since I was 4, we were sure of). I actually have Crohn’s disease. Not only do I have Crohn’s, but I have a very active and angry Crohn’s. Treating that on its own would be enough to push someone to their limits, but that isn’t where it ends for me.

I now have a huge choice to make. I am not going to go into details yet because I’m not ready and I haven’t even made my decision yet. I’ve gotten the feedback from my close ones but at the end of the day I have to make this decision. Either decision is intensive surgery. Either decision will change my life. Either decision has pros and cons. Either decision could make me resent myself. To be honest, I know this probably causes more confusion than clarity and I’m probably writing this selfishly to just put it out there. To get it off my chest. To make me feel a little less guilty because I feel like I’m hiding from my reality. I have no idea where I go from here or when all of this will take place...but its coming.

In the next month I will have to decide what surgical path I am going to take. I will start treatment for my Crohn’s. Stick with me here. It is going to be really hard. I am going to struggle both physically and mentally. All I ask is for you, whoever is reading this, stay in my corner. Help me not hate my body. Help me not feel guilty for whatever decision I make. I know I need to be selfish this time around. I don’t do that well. But I know I have to make whatever decision is best for my quality of life. Both my mental and physical quality of life. Thanks for reading the jumble of words. As things change, I will update the best I can. Thanks for being in my corner. Even if you hate me, you’re reading this because part of you cares. So thank you. And don’t you worry your pretty little head. Being sick hasn’t stopped me yet, it won’t this time either. See you on the other side friend.