So Before I Save Someone Else, I've Got to Save Myself
It was during a 3 hour drive home that I heard "Save Myself" by Ed Sheeran. I've heard it many times before but this time it hit home. It hits home because it's time for me to take my own advice for once.
I haven't been okay for a couple of months. I'm not sure what triggered it but while my anxiety is manageable, my depression started to take it's toll. I had a bad day, which turned into a couple of bad days. Those bad days turned into a bad week and so on. To be completely honest, right now I'm not sure where the good and the bad separate. I was about 16-years-old when I faced my first serious depression. I turned into a person that I never want to be again. I was suffering from illness and struggling every day to find some reason to get out of bed. I wanted everyone else to suffer with me. I destroyed my relationships and pushed everyone away. Partly because I knew I was being an intolerable person, other part because maybe if I pushed them away someone would care enough to try to save me.
Unfortunately, you don't get saved from depression. It isn't a damsel in distress type of situation. You have to fight your own way out in order to survive it. So I drowned in it. It took me realizing either I could stay a sad ball of depression for the rest of my life or I could seek help. I fought to get better then.
I've talked about facing depression and anxiety during your time of illness and that is really important. I'm starting to learn that you can be healthy but anxiety and depression are those two pests that you can never totally shake. This is the beginning of a new journey.
In Ed Sheeran's song mentioned earlier he says, "Oh, I'm here again; Between the devil and the danger; But I guess its just my nature...So before I save someone else, I've got to save myself." I am back to the point where I'm stuck between the my depression (the devil) and the outcome of not seeking help (the danger). But I am going to save myself. This is step one of facing this.
I am going to try to document as much as possible of my experience. If not directly on this blog, personally to try to help people in the future. I don't take mental health lightly and no one should ever have to face it alone. While I am one willing (and able) to write about it publicly, others face it silently. For this I ask, and offer in return: no judgement, only support.
I haven't been okay for a couple of months. I'm not sure what triggered it but while my anxiety is manageable, my depression started to take it's toll. I had a bad day, which turned into a couple of bad days. Those bad days turned into a bad week and so on. To be completely honest, right now I'm not sure where the good and the bad separate. I was about 16-years-old when I faced my first serious depression. I turned into a person that I never want to be again. I was suffering from illness and struggling every day to find some reason to get out of bed. I wanted everyone else to suffer with me. I destroyed my relationships and pushed everyone away. Partly because I knew I was being an intolerable person, other part because maybe if I pushed them away someone would care enough to try to save me.
Unfortunately, you don't get saved from depression. It isn't a damsel in distress type of situation. You have to fight your own way out in order to survive it. So I drowned in it. It took me realizing either I could stay a sad ball of depression for the rest of my life or I could seek help. I fought to get better then.
I've talked about facing depression and anxiety during your time of illness and that is really important. I'm starting to learn that you can be healthy but anxiety and depression are those two pests that you can never totally shake. This is the beginning of a new journey.
In Ed Sheeran's song mentioned earlier he says, "Oh, I'm here again; Between the devil and the danger; But I guess its just my nature...So before I save someone else, I've got to save myself." I am back to the point where I'm stuck between the my depression (the devil) and the outcome of not seeking help (the danger). But I am going to save myself. This is step one of facing this.
I am going to try to document as much as possible of my experience. If not directly on this blog, personally to try to help people in the future. I don't take mental health lightly and no one should ever have to face it alone. While I am one willing (and able) to write about it publicly, others face it silently. For this I ask, and offer in return: no judgement, only support.
Comments
Post a Comment