10 Years Later

Looking back at the last 10 years some crazy things have happened. This year in itself has been challenging. I started the year (literally January 1, 2020) by leaving a toxic relationship. I took the year to figure out what I wanted in a relationship and loving myself again. I focused on forgiving myself and being kind to myself. Then the pandemic hit. Everyone I know struggled through the pandemic in their own way. For me it was a lot of worry, anxiety, depression. But I got through because I have an amazing support system and an amazing dog.

Then the worst thing I could ever imagine happened. I lost one of the best humans I have ever known to a battle with cancer. A part of me died with him, I can’t lie. I heard once that there are deaths that you don’t get over, you carry it with you for the rest of your life. He was that one. Since then, I’ve struggled and I still struggle with. What I am about to explain sounds selfish and I know he would hate me for feeling this way. It is how I feel, it is what has shaped this anniversary. Read the following with an open heart and open mind.

10 years ago, I was ready to let go. I was tired to being sick. I was tired of my family and friends watching my body deteriorate slowly. My organs were shutting down. My body wasn’t absorbing nutrition despite the feeding tubes and PICC lines. I ate peanut butter sandwiches and drank a protein shake every night before bed to try to gain weight. I covered every mirror in the house so I didn’t have to see how sick I looked. I lived in sweats and PJs because clothes didn’t fit. I cried in dressing rooms because I was told to try a kids store. Hell, I still cry in dressing rooms because I struggle with my body every day.

On the other hand, my best friend fought cancer for years and never gave up. I remember when he first told me. The first time I’ve ever seen him cry. He told me over dinner that he had a 50/50 chance. He did it though, he beat cancer that time. Then years later he was in the hospital during a pandemic and US medicine told him there was nothing left to do. I remember that text message where he thanked me for adding so much to his life. I remember immediately calling him and crying on the phone with him. He still didn’t give up. He wasn’t ready to go. Weeks later he found out he was accepted to a trial in Mexico that would give him another chance. He passed 2 days before he would leave for the trial. The day after he raised enough money to pay for everything. I will never understand why he didn’t make it but I did.

In the musical Hamilton there is a song called “Wait For It” which says: “Life doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints, it takes and it takes and it takes…And if there’s a reason I’m still alive when so many have died, then I’m willin’ to wait for it.”

For whatever reason I made it. As much as I would love to have him by my side, he didn’t. There is a reason everything happens the way they do. This year I am going to try my hardest to figure out what that reason is. If I don’t figure it out, at least accept it. I am going to walk through life missing a piece of me but holding his memory so close. Living every day with love and hope because that is how he lived his life.