I know I always talk about how difficult the year has been when I write these anniversary posts. This year makes all the 12 others look like a piece of cake. Last year when I was doing my reflecting, I was trying to get a grasp on the fact that I was officially insulin dependent. I thought that was going to be the big change of the year. Then comes September. I told you that I have a huge decision to make. Have I made my decision yet? Absolutely not. Do I have a clear answer in my head? Still no.
I did start my infusions for my active Crohn's. It is still weird saying I have Crohn's. I spent 26 years convinced it was UC. That's forever considering I just turned 30. It's already pretty hard to realize that I have spent my entire life knowing nothing but being sick, but now it was the completely wrong disease? Lucky for me, I did get confirmation that I would have undergone the same surgeries no matter what I was diagnosed with from the beginning. Could you imagine if all that time, 6-year-old Sammi never actually needed that surgery? That would be wild to say the least.
This year has been a really tough one for my to handle for some reason. I am usually really good at using this time of year to look back and be like, "damn look how far I've come!" Don't get me wrong, I have come a long way from where I was facing my transplant 12 years ago. Sometimes it's hard to think about what I have to show after these 12 years. But on the other hand, I'm still alive and that should be enough. This past year I let myself question who I am and my worth. I allowed someone to influence me into thinking my medical issues were a huge red flag. A reason for men to not want to date me. Something I have literally no control over is a reason men dismiss me in the dating world. That is honestly so crazy to me. If I wasn't sick, who would I be? I wouldn't be who I am today that is for damn sure.
This year I also came to a lot of realizations. I am relearning my worth. I am learning to be kinder to myself. To listen to my body. To not feel guilty because I need to rest. If I learned anything this year is that life is a rollercoaster. You can be so far and yet still regress. But that is okay. It isn't something to feel bad for or chastise yourself for. It is just another chance at progress but in a new way. I don't know if this post is going to have a super positive and clean closeout. I still have this huge looming decision to make in the coming months. In the past, my parents made the decisions. They always did what was right. This one is 100% on me to figure out. If is decide wrong, I am the only one to blame. The decision I make is something only I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Is there actually a wrong decision physically? Probably not. Could it make my mental health suffer? Probably. Will I get through whatever else will be handed to me in the next couple of months, years, etc? Abso-fucking-lutely.
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