Dear Younger Self
With my 25th birthday right around the corner I feel like there is no better time to do this. Everyone keeps telling me this is a milestone birthday, and yeah I get it. A quarter century is something to celebrate. It's just weird to look back at my last 25 years. I was diagnosed with UC 21 years ago. It's not just a disease to me, its who I am. You don't really know me unless you know my past. Some of my best, most prominent memories are from my sick days. I sometimes feel bad when I talk about them because to me they're happy memories, but to others they're kind of depressing. So here we go...
5-year-old Sammi: You are forever my hero. I know every kid is super excited to grow up into this amazing adult but I am half the person you are. I promise you that (and no its not because I'm missing more organs now then I was then, but that too). You aren't afraid of what your future holds. You live every day in the happiest of ways. I know being in the hospital isn't fun but understand that sneaking off to the lacrosse practice fields and stealing balls will forever be one of your best days. Know that mom and you having your own key to the art room will make your time at Georgetown Hospital more bearable. The Georgetown Boys Lacrosse team coming to visit you will always be something you brag about. Later in life you'll learn that they're just a bunch of stupid college boys, but right now, they're your heroes. You're doing amazing kid, keep it up. Little do you know this is just the beginning.
High School Freshman Sammi: Don't get those bangs. Lets just start there. They're going to put you on steroids soon and the bangs/steroid cheeks combo is not a good look. Don't try to grow up to quick. I know some of the junior guys are starting to give you attention but you're going to regret it later. I know it seems like boys make school bearable but soon you're going to miss school and miss classes. I know, I sound crazy. Who wouldn't want a great excuse to miss school? Thing is, you're going to get sick soon, I mean really sick. You're going to spend majority of your junior and senior year in hospitals, traveling for surgery, and on more pain medicine than you can imagine. These next two years are the only opportunity at a normal high school experience you're going to get, enjoy it.
High School Senior Sammi: I'm so sorry. Being a teenage girl is already hard enough. Now you have feeding tubes and a transplant right around the corner. I know shopping for a homecoming dress is going to cause a breakdown because you have to hide a feeling tube. I know you're going to have to get you prom dress custom fitted from a normal sized dress to not a size just to fit you tiny figure. Stop being afraid to look in the mirror. I know it looks like you're going to break. I get it. I promise you down the line you're going to be so damn proud of how far you've come. I know shopping for clothes is impossible so you live in sweats, but in a few years you're going to have a very big booty that is going to make clothes shopping difficult in a completely different way. It seems like the end of the world but you're going to make it. You're going to get the transplant and feel better than you ever have. You're going to graduate from high school, go to college, make some best friends and some not so best friends, but most importantly you're going to be okay. You'll graduate from college, get a job, move out of mom and dads, quit, get a new job, move in with your best friend, and get a dog. You're going to be happy. Get through this and I promise you it'll be worth it.
To all younger Sammi's: I am proud of who I am, who I've become. Even though I sometimes feel like I don't have it together, I think I'm doing pretty well for myself. Trust me, there are still ups and downs. You'll still get sick but you've done it before and you'll do it again. This disease may be a huge part of your life but it doesn't define you and it sure as hell doesn't beat you.
Looking back, I have the best family and support system. They made days that should have been my worst some of my best. 25 isn't just a big step for me, I owe a lot of people for getting me here. Here's to making it a quarter century, and here is to as many more I'm blessed with.
5-year-old Sammi: You are forever my hero. I know every kid is super excited to grow up into this amazing adult but I am half the person you are. I promise you that (and no its not because I'm missing more organs now then I was then, but that too). You aren't afraid of what your future holds. You live every day in the happiest of ways. I know being in the hospital isn't fun but understand that sneaking off to the lacrosse practice fields and stealing balls will forever be one of your best days. Know that mom and you having your own key to the art room will make your time at Georgetown Hospital more bearable. The Georgetown Boys Lacrosse team coming to visit you will always be something you brag about. Later in life you'll learn that they're just a bunch of stupid college boys, but right now, they're your heroes. You're doing amazing kid, keep it up. Little do you know this is just the beginning.
High School Freshman Sammi: Don't get those bangs. Lets just start there. They're going to put you on steroids soon and the bangs/steroid cheeks combo is not a good look. Don't try to grow up to quick. I know some of the junior guys are starting to give you attention but you're going to regret it later. I know it seems like boys make school bearable but soon you're going to miss school and miss classes. I know, I sound crazy. Who wouldn't want a great excuse to miss school? Thing is, you're going to get sick soon, I mean really sick. You're going to spend majority of your junior and senior year in hospitals, traveling for surgery, and on more pain medicine than you can imagine. These next two years are the only opportunity at a normal high school experience you're going to get, enjoy it.
High School Senior Sammi: I'm so sorry. Being a teenage girl is already hard enough. Now you have feeding tubes and a transplant right around the corner. I know shopping for a homecoming dress is going to cause a breakdown because you have to hide a feeling tube. I know you're going to have to get you prom dress custom fitted from a normal sized dress to not a size just to fit you tiny figure. Stop being afraid to look in the mirror. I know it looks like you're going to break. I get it. I promise you down the line you're going to be so damn proud of how far you've come. I know shopping for clothes is impossible so you live in sweats, but in a few years you're going to have a very big booty that is going to make clothes shopping difficult in a completely different way. It seems like the end of the world but you're going to make it. You're going to get the transplant and feel better than you ever have. You're going to graduate from high school, go to college, make some best friends and some not so best friends, but most importantly you're going to be okay. You'll graduate from college, get a job, move out of mom and dads, quit, get a new job, move in with your best friend, and get a dog. You're going to be happy. Get through this and I promise you it'll be worth it.
To all younger Sammi's: I am proud of who I am, who I've become. Even though I sometimes feel like I don't have it together, I think I'm doing pretty well for myself. Trust me, there are still ups and downs. You'll still get sick but you've done it before and you'll do it again. This disease may be a huge part of your life but it doesn't define you and it sure as hell doesn't beat you.
Looking back, I have the best family and support system. They made days that should have been my worst some of my best. 25 isn't just a big step for me, I owe a lot of people for getting me here. Here's to making it a quarter century, and here is to as many more I'm blessed with.
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