You Are Tougher Than You Think

It's the feeling that you can't breathe. That there is a weight on your chest that won't go away. It's the slight panic at the realization of one small thing. One second you're fine, the next you're reliving every wrong thing you've ever done, ever expectation you didn't reach, and step in the wrong direction you made. Then you get over it, feel numb for a little until it all comes rushing back. I've seen many forms of anxiety in the past few years but it never gets easier. Anxiety comes in waves. At times it's hidden just waiting for the right time to take over. Other times it's slight and easy to manage. The worst is when its full force. You're too busy worrying that you're doing everything wrong, but you're also unable to change anything. I have seen almost every side of anxiety. I've been at my highest to my lowest in a matter of minutes. Recently I've felt like there was an elephant just sitting on my chest at all...

(Warning – long post, thank you for reading my jumbled thoughts) To be completely honest, I never know this was a thing until this year. I guess we’re in the day and age where everything has a day, a week, or a month of recognition. I mean there is a national wine day so why not have a Crohn’s and Colitis Awareness Week. More people are bound the celebrate national wine day, but I really don’t blame them. Crohn’s and Colitis has never been a fun thing to talk about, but it’s nice that there is a week to bring awareness to these diseases. They’re not very known and you’d be surprised how many people suffer from these invisible diseases. This week I’ve been on travel for work, so I haven’t really had much of a chance to reflect on my UC. It was last night when my stomach started cramping I realized that it isn’t something I ever need to sit down and reflect on because it is always going to pop its ugly head up in the most inopportune times. Like last night and today for example...

Timehop is a great but sometimes heartbreaking app. It brings up memories of past years. It shows pictures and moments that happened on the exact day x-number of years ago. Today, 8 years ago, was my senior homecoming. This was pre-transplant and I weighed 70 lbs soaking wet. Not to mention I was on more medication than I could count. Our group of friends decided we were going to make our own Sadie’s Hawkins Dance since we never got one in our 4 years of high school. Of course I was matched with my best friend since 7th grade. Being the utterly romantic person I am I went up to him after class one day and simply said “hey, we’re going to homecoming together right?” To which he replied “I figured as much.” I think he regretted his quick answer when he saw the other guys getting baked good and well thought our plans. Then again, he was my best friend since 7th grade so he knew better than to expect cute things from me. Shopping for a homecoming dress is supposed to be one of the best...

It was during a 3 hour drive home that I heard "Save Myself" by Ed Sheeran. I've heard it many times before but this time it hit home. It hits home because it's time for me to take my own advice for once. I haven't been okay for a couple of months. I'm not sure what triggered it but while my anxiety is manageable, my depression started to take it's toll. I had a bad day, which turned into a couple of bad days. Those bad days turned into a bad week and so on. To be completely honest, right now I'm not sure where the good and the bad separate. I was about 16-years-old when I faced my first serious depression. I turned into a person that I never want to be again. I was suffering from illness and struggling every day to find some reason to get out of bed. I wanted everyone else to suffer with me. I destroyed my relationships and pushed everyone away. Partly because I knew I was being an intolerable person, other part because maybe if I pushed them away s...

Another year gone since my transplant and it’s still crazy. This past year I traveled to Israel for 2 weeks and came home with a new family.   This year I was featured on Buzzfeed. This year I fell in love with myself again and found my voice. I always tell people that I'm an open book. I mean think about it, on this blog alone I've talked about everything from relationships, friendships, medical being, depression, anxiety, the list goes on. Being shy was never something I was good at. It's still weird looking back and everything I've written and remembering everything I went through 7 years ago. I came so far from a girl that couldn't bear to look in a mirror to the person I've decided to be today. Traveling wasn't easy, I'm not going to lie about that. The stress of traveling alone is one thing to put my body through. Then you add the difference in foods, lack of sleep, the summer heat, and everything else that would effect a normal person's ...