What's Love Gotta Do With It?

I started writing this post at 3am while in a very negative mindset. I let it sit for a little while, read it multiple times, and realized that if I posted it the way it was that the only person who would benefit from it was myself. That isn't why I started writing in the first place and I refuse for my first post of 2020 to be selfish. I started writing years ago to help others by exposing some of the hardest things I've faced/I still face. While some of this is still the original 3am content, a lot had changed with acceptance of where I stand today.

I found myself not loving myself again this year. I think it is going to be a constant thing, having to be conscious and make the decision to love myself every day. I know this is something a lot of people deal with, not just us sick kids. I know a lot of my own issues stem from everything I've been through while I was sick and afterwards. People coming in and out of my life. Never feelings like I was enough. Never honestly being kind to myself and forgiving myself. To say that I have always been my biggest judge is an understatement.

Loving yourself comes differently to different people. For me, as an example, I think this means keeping up with my physical and mental health. Making sure I am constantly surrounded by things or people I love. I need to keep moving forward no matter how hard that seems sometimes. It is so easy for me to let my depression hit and not leave my bed for days. To put on a happy face to everyone around me so I'm not a burden. At the end of the day, I am not a burden and my feelings are valid. I need to always remember to check in with myself, take time for myself, and respect myself and my needs, both physical and mental.

I always thought people were dumb talking about having to love yourself. You don't realize how real it is until you catch yourself hating yourself. I've been there on multiple occasions. I hated the way I looked, my fluctuating body. I was 70 lbs as a 18 year old. I hate that fact, it is terrifying. I had it pointed out to me by someone I care about deeply this past year that I still dress my body in order to hide it. A body I am supposed to be proud of. Hating my body only hurts me. It limits how I express myself and how I present myself to others. I decided that this is the year that I leave my body insecurities in my past once and for all.

This body went through hell and back. It is lacking in organs, covered in scars, and still trying to figure itself out. I have to love and accept that. Sometimes I look at my scars and see beauty and strength. Others I see pain, hospitals, surgeries, etc. I know this is going to come in waves and be something that I work on nonstop but if I leave 2020 with nothing else other than a little more self acceptance and learning to be kinder to myself, I will be damn proud.

My past has given me a lot of things. It has taught me to love without holding back. While it usually gets me hurt down the line, I learned the hard way that we're not always promised tomorrow and I'm not living with any regrets. It has given me a different outlook on life. I know that nothing I face will ever be as bad as my past. If I survived the years leading up to my transplant and first year after, I can make it through anything. It has shown me that life is short and it could always be worse. Most of all, my past has shown me that no matter how bad things are or seem, there is only up from there. For me right now, there is only up from here.

This picture is a big step for me. This is something I would have never done before, gone somewhere with my scars just all out there, let alone the gym where you know everyone is judging everyone else. But I have worked so hard in the gym the last couple months that I deserve to strut and show off my progress.

* sweatshirt from https://thejammybrand.com