Facing Trauma Head On

For the longest time I didn’t truly understand what trauma meant. I didn’t believe you could have PTSD without seeing wartime. I was very wrong. In the past couple of years, I have been trying to understand and learn from my traumas. Of course, they will never go away but understanding and accepting them helps.

This year, between work, life, and everything else, I planned my yearly post-transplant check up on the same week as my actual transplantaversary. Looking back now that was a huge mistake. There is a certain type of anxiety leading up to the anniversary and a very different anxiety leading up to going back to where it all began. This year not only did I have to face those head on but I had to face the fact that:

1. My Islet Cells are probably not working well, if at all
2. I am officially insulin dependent

For the longest time I really thought I would have an ostomy bag before I ever had to have a constant glucose monitor and an insulin pump but here we are! While placing my first ever constant glucose monitor for research purposes this past week, I made a joke about avoiding all the scars. I’m not sure it was fully a joke. After thinking back to everything that got me to where I am today it is kind of amazing. While this changes the course of my life and how I face my day-to-day, at least I have a day-to-day. At least now I am just measuring insulin, not addictive pain medications.

I have been through a rollercoaster of emotions in the past couple of days and I am sure it will continue on as I re-learn how to function as a diabetic. I could sit here and be angry for the news I got. I could blame work for the stressful environment and constant travel that could have triggered it. I could blame myself for not catching it soon enough. Hell, I could go back to the beginning, being mad that I was diagnosed so young. Spent my entire life sick. I could blame so many things but at the end of the day nothing is going to change the hand that life dealt me. I can be mad all I want but what is that going to do to fix the issue? Literally nothing at all. I am lucky because I’m still around to learn and live.

Now don’t get me wrong. This is a rough and insanely overwhelming situation. Emotions are high. I spent 20 minutes on my bathroom floor the other day crying. It is a very real thing and it really sucks. I now have to re-learn how to pretty much be a human. I have to stab myself with needles multiple times a day. For whatever reason, I cannot manage to get everything under control. Right now there is a lot of background noise and different moving parts aside from my medical being right now. A lot of things I cannot control. I knew in that moment I needed to let myself break in order to pick myself up again and keep moving on.

My best friend Matt (RIP, miss you buddy) was never mad that he had cancer. Well…okay that is a lie. He got mad. He was a human, it’s a normal reaction. But at the end of the day all he wanted was to get better. He wanted to help other accept his own fate. To his very last day he was the most positive human I have ever met. When he found out the US medical system couldn’t help him anymore all he did was thank me going being his friend and being there with him the entire way. He complained to me because I know what it's like to be sick and feel helpless, but very few others saw that side of him because he was just grateful for the life he had. I hold that close to me every damn day.

I have a colleague and good friend (hi LB if you’re reading this) remind me that 2022 was our year of change. This was not my ideal change for this year but what better time than the present. Not all change is good, not all is bad. Change is change. It is supposed to make you uncomfortable. It is meant to keep you on your toes. Change has to happen in order for someone to grow. You can never grow when you’re comfortable. Lucky for me I have some of the best and most supportive people in my life right now. I have my amazing family, some of the best friends, and a solid partner that comes with another whole support system. Every step so far in learning my new norm they have wanted to know more, know how they can help, or even just be there for me to vent. I am forever grateful.

Back to the main idea of this post…trauma. Trauma comes from all different situations. While my medical history is not the only trauma of my past, it is a very prominent one. I have looked at it from all different angles, learned about it, and learned how to acknowledge it but not allow it to control me. That is what I think is the biggest part. We carry all these emotions and instead of acknowledging it and letting ourselves feel them, we do one of two things. One, we try to ignore them and act like they do not exist. Two, we allow them to control our lives. Obviously, for different reasons, neither of these are good idea. I am not a therapist so I won’t give you a “to do” here but I encourage you to explore why these feelings are there. Understand what these traumatic events caused you, acknowledge them, feel them, but release them back. Chin up buttercup, you’re tougher than what life has to throw at you.

11 years post-transplant and still kicking. It’s been a wild ride and for those of you who have been reading these the past few years, thanks for joining the journey. We ain’t done yet!